I miss the days when I would open my laptop, log in to wordpress, and allow my thoughts to flow from my mind to my fingertips. That was when life was easier, I wasn’t a full time mommy of two, and I wasn’t really too caught up in TV Shows. It seems like the older I got, the more I found myself escaping the stresses and monotony of life through books, tv shows, and movies. But when I look back and evaluate my younger self, I’m often wondering just what the fuck I was doing with my life besides working, coming home, and bullshitting on the internet. Sometimes on the weekends, I’d go out with my friends and sisters to clubs and have a drink or two. But what was I REALLY doing?

For some years I was lost in work and taking care of my family. I didn’t really give too much thought to my dreams anymore because I didn’t think they mattered. For years I considered going back to college but every time I’d try, something would hinder me from doing so. Much could be done about this… like the fact that I’d had a previously defaulted loan I could have easily taken care of. It wasn’t until life started really getting the best of me that I decided to stop the excuses, take care of the loan, and enroll in an online school. Boy am I glad that I did that. Initially, I wanted to pursue a degree in graphic design. It wasn’t until I started taking many different courses that graphic design wasn’t for me so I chose to pursue something more passionate for me, writing.

My time is often limited to working, caring for my family, and school. But I’m successfully becoming better at managing my time. I find more time to do more things if I stick to a schedule and plan more effectively… and stick to it. But overall, I feel my dreams emerging once again. I use to be a huge daydreamer, but for a while I was just in a monotonous trance. I’m dreaming more because I want more for me and my family. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life just working and being a mother. I want to enjoy life for myself as well. I had this false notion that once I started a family my wants were no longer important. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. They are important because in order for my family to be happy, I have to be happy as well.

It’s going to be a strenuous journey and I know at times I’m going to feel overwhelmed and frustrated (it has already begun) but I have never felt more motivated than I do now.

Cliché Not

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I happen to only take lemon with my tea and I certainly am not a fan of lemonade, so I don’t abide by such cliché advice. Although, it seems like a viable solution to problems, it just isn’t always easy. Summer is over & my babies are back home. It’s not always a smooth transition to get back into routine so I often find that I’m overwhelmed during the whole month of September. My son started middle school and since he is now attending a charter school, his scheduling is different than my daughters… which puts everything out of sorts.

I have it all figured out. It’s really just a matter of executing the routine and getting accustomed to it. My son will now have to walk from his school to his after school program alone, which was stressful at first but he has a cellular phone now so the rules are that he calls me the moment he gets out, when he gets to his program and if he runs into any problems. So far, he’s done exceptionally well, which came as a surprise to me because I was worried he may have been a little immature with things like that but he’s given me quite a shock. I’m sure once he gets into the groove of things, he will start making stops and things of that nature. I’m not fond of that but I don’t really have a choice but to trust that he makes the right decisions. After all, we’ve discussed it.

I don’t want to be one of those mothers who smother, but I also don’t want him to think that he can do whatever he wants either. Regardless, I never realized how much more worry comes with your children getting older and having to do things on their own. I have always been sort of a worrier, which really isn’t good because I find that I stress myself out with it. At any rate, the show must go on and I just have to suck it up and allow my son to grow. I’m already getting on his nerves and I can tell he gets a bit irritated with my worrying. His father doesn’t seem to be as worried. Maybe it’s a male thing.