I miss the days when I would open my laptop, log in to wordpress, and allow my thoughts to flow from my mind to my fingertips. That was when life was easier, I wasn’t a full time mommy of two, and I wasn’t really too caught up in TV Shows. It seems like the older I got, the more I found myself escaping the stresses and monotony of life through books, tv shows, and movies. But when I look back and evaluate my younger self, I’m often wondering just what the fuck I was doing with my life besides working, coming home, and bullshitting on the internet. Sometimes on the weekends, I’d go out with my friends and sisters to clubs and have a drink or two. But what was I REALLY doing?

For some years I was lost in work and taking care of my family. I didn’t really give too much thought to my dreams anymore because I didn’t think they mattered. For years I considered going back to college but every time I’d try, something would hinder me from doing so. Much could be done about this… like the fact that I’d had a previously defaulted loan I could have easily taken care of. It wasn’t until life started really getting the best of me that I decided to stop the excuses, take care of the loan, and enroll in an online school. Boy am I glad that I did that. Initially, I wanted to pursue a degree in graphic design. It wasn’t until I started taking many different courses that graphic design wasn’t for me so I chose to pursue something more passionate for me, writing.

My time is often limited to working, caring for my family, and school. But I’m successfully becoming better at managing my time. I find more time to do more things if I stick to a schedule and plan more effectively… and stick to it. But overall, I feel my dreams emerging once again. I use to be a huge daydreamer, but for a while I was just in a monotonous trance. I’m dreaming more because I want more for me and my family. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life just working and being a mother. I want to enjoy life for myself as well. I had this false notion that once I started a family my wants were no longer important. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. They are important because in order for my family to be happy, I have to be happy as well.

It’s going to be a strenuous journey and I know at times I’m going to feel overwhelmed and frustrated (it has already begun) but I have never felt more motivated than I do now.

In My Leisure

True Blood
True Blood

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been watching True Blood. I’m aware that the show is old but I needed something to satisfy my appetite for watching vampire shows since I’m all caught up on Vampire Diaries. I admit, I thought the show would be incredibly disturbing but I was wrong. It’s a mixture of gore, comedy, drama, and suspense. I like it. However, there are a few characters that I find to be incredibly annoying. The main character, Sookie, is one of them. Not only is she naïve, at least to me, but she comes off as a bit of an imbecile. Sometimes she seems irrational and I find that to be incredibly annoying. I’m not sure if the writers intended for it to be this way but it’s annoying, nonetheless. Her best friend, Tara, is extremely annoying. Her irrational temper and rage is that of a child. I’m sure the writers intended to show her character to be the result of a life of neglect and mistrust, but her character can be overwhelmingly agitating. I suppose you could say that I don’t like the way her character is written. Black women, in particular, are viewed in society as irrational and angry almost to a point of being unbearable. To me, that’s what I felt taking in her character, but it was more or less exaggerated. There are points during the show when she would wig out on even people who cared deeply for her. Ugh.

Anyway, my next class doesn’t begin until August 22, so I have some time to relax a bit. I like the way my classes are broken up so that I don’t feel overwhelmed with too much in my life. My last class was an English course that, despite my love for English in general, I felt to be too much for me for no other reason than me simply not using good time management skills. The truth is, I like to do things at my own pace and when I feel like it because my life is just filled with enough routine already. However, if I want to do well, I can’t keep doing things at the last minute because it does nothing but stress me out. My next course will be an Introduction to Creative Writing and I’m truly looking forward to it.